


dangerous levels of hyperbole

by tripletmoons



Series: dangerous levels of hyperbole [1]
Category: Naruto
Genre: First Meetings, Fix-It of Sorts, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-28
Updated: 2018-10-28
Packaged: 2019-08-09 05:31:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,771
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16443806
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tripletmoons/pseuds/tripletmoons
Summary: “Shhhhhh.” He implores distractedly, shifting to get a better view while still maintaining awareness of the Senju that tried to gut him. “Izuna why didn’t you mention that Tobirama Senju’s biceps are the size of my head. Hell, they’re the size of Madara-sama’s head. Uh, wow.”





	dangerous levels of hyperbole

It was supposed to be an easy mission, one so unimportant that a un-blooded, un-battle-tested, kid could run it without trouble. There was no expectation of perusal by enemy soldiers, no expectation of any trouble whatsoever. According to his wise and venerable Clan Head: “It’s basically a minor message delivery mission I made up to get Izuna’s whiny ass away from me and out of the compound, okay. He keeps complaining and I can’t take it. Just go before I kill him and Hikaku ends up Clan Heir, o- _fucking_ -kay. Just take the fucking mission.”

Of course, Kagami took the fucking mission. He is but a lowly soldier and his Clan Head - who was elbow deep in paperwork and holding his brush with deadly intent - looked ready to kill at the slightest sign of resistance. Kagami didn’t want to go out like that, splattered all over the Clan Head’s office; he was going to die like his father before him: valiantly on the blade of a Senju. Hurrah for Uchiha pride!

Of course, he doesn’t want to die that way _today._  He still hasn’t learned how to draw lightning from the sky like a proper Raiton master, his mother is baking a pie for dinner, and he hasn’t had sex in four months. He has so much to live for -  like three things off the top of his head - which is why he is trying to bully his Clan Heir into summoning Madara-sama as they flee from a trio of pursuing Senju.

Senju that are interested in their easy, zero dangerous expectations, mission. (Just his luck, honestly.)

“Izuna-sama, please flare your chakra.”

“No. It’s fine, we’ll make it, and if we don’t we can fight them off.”

Kagami despairingly - and clumsily; he is not a very good sensor - feels out the chakra signatures closing in on their position and calls bullshit. “Izuna-sama, your usual sword-arm is broken and we don’t even know _who_ makes up the Senju patrol. I think it would be wise for you to flare your chakra and summon your elder brother.”

“Let me spell it for you: N - O.”

Kagami’s chakra dents the tree-branch as he leaps forward. “Izuna-.”

“How about you do it!” Izuna snaps, his tree branch similarly denting.

The sheer _pettiness._ “Izuna,” Kagami grits out, “I know you are upset with your brother for keeping you inside the compound for two weeks-.”

“ _I am not upset_!”  

“-but, at this point, only your chakra is going to rouse Madara-sama out of his paperwork fury. Mine won’t. He’ll probably even thank you for giving him an excuse to abandon his desk for a moment.” He lies. Madara-sama is definitely not going to be pleased his injured little brother’s minor-message-delivery mission put him anywhere near the Senju. “I know the Clan Elders haven’t let him leave his office for hours today.”

Kagami is unsure if Izuna buys his bullshit, but it doesn’t matter. Regardless, his Clan Heir sullenly flares his chakra in an S-O-S pattern. Kagami savors a moment of victory before it all goes to shit.

He ducks as a kunai goes flying overhead, smashing through a tree trunk like it’s rice paper. Kagami unsheathes his tanto and whirls around to counter a bone jarring strike that sends him flying back onto a far branch. Izuna lands next to him, similarly armed and bristling like a pissed cat. Several feet across from Kagami a brown-haired man skids to a stop on his own branch, gaze critically probing him for weakness.

Kagami doesn’t know the man, but a chakra-charged kunai toss and powerful sword strike are signs of a competent enemy. Behind him, another Senju strategically lurks out of sight in the shadows; probably a support shinobi, perhaps a genjutsu user. Kagami sharingan swirls to life, sharpening his vision and slowing time down to a crawl.

“Tobirama.” Izuna growls almost sub-vocally.

_Shit. Shit. Shit._ The hair on the back of Kagami’s rises; his heart thuds out of rhythm. He slowly, careful not to lose his sightline on his immediate foe, turns to look at the other man in the clearing: Senju Tobirama, Izuna's deadly bane.

He can’t help it, his mouth flaps open.

For years, Izuna has told Kagami stories that make Tobirama Senju sound like a monster at worst and an emotionless killing machine at best. Izuna’s descriptive epithets include: Ugly-Ass Albino Rat Fucker, Red-Eyed Demon Fucker, Emotionless Kid Killing Fucker, Mad _fucking_ Scientist Fucker, etcetera and so on. His less-than-complimentary stories around the campfire set up Tobirama Senju to be the nightmare of every Uchiha under age ten and for him to be referred to, by large, as Fucker by every battle-blooded shinobi in the Clan.

(Not that most of them had ever met him, or seen him; Tobirama Senju only ever fights Izuna.)

Kagami has always taken Izuna’s stories with a grain of salt because his Clan Heir inherited the Uchiha Drama gene in full and likes hyperbole almost as much as he likes his sword, and he - against all advice - sleeps with his sword _so_.

But this- this is _dangerous levels of hyperbole_ . This is _comrade sabotage_ . This is _misinformation._  Izuna should have dropped the drama and prepared Kagami for the reality that is Tobirama Senju’s mouthwatering hotness because the man is hitting every one of his buttons and it is very distracting.

“Izuna.” He hisses. “Izuna were you trying to set me up for death?”

“What?” Izuna hisses back, significantly louder because he, like his brother, doesn’t do stealth. Even from this far away, and with his shitty sensing skills, he can feel Madara-sama bursting out of the compound like his ass is on fire. At that speed he'll get here faster than any of the nearby patrols.  _Perfect!_ “What the fuck are you talking about?”

“ _Shhhhhh_.” Kagami implores distractedly, shifting to get a better view while still maintaining awareness of Senju that tried to gut him. “Izuna why didn’t you mention that Tobirama Senju’s biceps are the size of my head. Hell, they’re the size of Madara-sama’s head. Uh, _wow_.”

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Izuna whip towards him, but Kagami’s attention is already split between his immediate enemy and Tobirama Senju’s melon sized biceps, which are flexing and _very important_. Thank the gods he has a fully developed sharingan. The memory of those biceps will be with him as long as he lives.

“Kagami!” Izuna snarls. “Get a hold of yourself... Wait, are you saying my brother has a big head!”

“So you admit his biceps are massive.” Kagami murmurs.

“Oh, a _massive_ head then. _By all the gods Kagami-_.” Izuna growls, sounding so much like his Clan Head before he tosses someone into the Koi pond that Kagami tears his attention away from Tobirama Senju aka. Fucker, who should really be called Fuckable or Please Fuck Me by the Clan. Kagami will suggest an epithet change if he survives this; his family must be warned.

He shakes his head, refocusing a bit, and belatedly realizes that none of the Senju have attacked. Which is good because he is - _was_ \- uh, distracted.  Fuck, he maybe isn’t subtle or quiet either and they maybe _heard his every word._ His immediate enemy looks off-balance, the maybe-genjutsu user is making an audible choking noise, and he can’t look at Tobirama’s expression or else he’ll start drooling and maybe pass out. But hey, they haven’t attacked yet and Madara-sama is getting closer.

Hmmm.

For the sake of his Clan Heir's continued survival, he looks back at Tobirama’s biceps and lets the babble just _flow out._ “Izuna-sama you really should have alerted the Clan to his dangerous good looks, okay. Your reticence is frankly irresponsible of you. As Clan Heir you have a _responsibility_ to alert your clansmen to dangerous weapons.” He sighs a little bit and says, dreamily; “Weapons of mass destruction.”

Izuna shifts in his peripheria, moving predatorily in a way that suggests that Kagami’s death is rising in his list of priorities. “Kagami, he is not that good looking.” He says, his forcible calm lending credence to a shift in prioritization. “Now, please focus.”

“Izuna, I think his shoulder to waist ratio might be a natural wonder of the world.”

“I will be doing the Clan a favor if I cleanse your idiocy from the gene pool.”

Kagami feels stirrings of fear but he is a shinobi; he endures. “Izuna, please. I have very typical Uchiha tastes. I think we’re lucky that you’re the only one that ever fights him because-.”

“You’re dead, Kagami.” Izuna says, voice thick with promise. “ _Dead_.”

Kagami still doesn’t want to die today but if he does, then by the gods, he is going to see Tobirama Senju’s face before the most immediate threat - his beloved Clan Heir - kills him.

His eyes dart up just as Madara-sama bursts into the clearing, subtle as a fireball.

Tobirama Senju’s face is stunning, all edges and planes. If he survives, Kagami will write a poem about it and it will involve geometric terminology because that level of perfection is  _mathematical_.

The moment Tobirama lays eyes on Madara-sama, his face sharpens with deadly rage. Kagami promptly flushes _all the way down._

His throat releases a death gurgle noise and Tobirama’s eyes cut to him, absolutely _eviscerating;_  Kagami figures why not dig a deeper grave. “Hey, Madara-sama please sign me up to support that Senju-Uchiha peace treaty you used to talk about.”

Madara stops incomprehensibly yelling and enunciates, very carefully, “What.”

“Hey, if our Clan Heads ever make that happen,” he asks Tobirama Senju, “will you go on a date with me?”

“What!” Madara-sama snaps. Izuna is now the one shouting incomprehensibly in the background - probably death threats - but Kagami is focused on Tobirama Senju _who is meeting his eyes._ He might swoon.

“Are you an idiot?” Tobirama _Please Fuck Me_ Senju rumbles in a voice that makes Kagami’s knees week. There’s something almost amused about his micro-expressions. The only reason Kagami catches it is because of his swirly-red eyes. All hail the sharingan!

“An idiot for you!” Kagami blurts. A bad line, but those micro-expressions become a bit more pronounced so  _win!_

A hand fastens around his collar faster than he can blink; Izuna yanking him back into retreat and choking the life out of him at the same time: multitasking.

The Senju patrol doesn’t move to follow, which Kagami can only really take as encouragement. Tobirama is undoubtedly the one in charge, after all.

“Send me a hawk!” He coughs out as he’s dragged deeper into the forest. "I'd love to -  _urk -_ hear from you!"


End file.
